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My Story

I have spent most of my life ignoring my feelings and convincing myself that I never felt angry or sad. I always said yes. I stood strong, ever helpful to those around me. By dissociating with my feelings I convinced myself I could always feel happy. This led to a number of issues in my life and I am just beginning to face them.

One of these issues was seeing the value in myself. I hated my hair so I gave up ever trying to style it. I didn’t know anything about clothes so I never went beyond a t-shirt and jeans. If I told myself I didn’t care, then I could pretend like it didn’t matter to me.

What I have learned was that it wasn’t about caring or not caring. I didn’t think I was worthy of these things. That I wasn’t worth the effort to improve myself.

Now I am putting a new focus on me, and not in a conceded “I’m the only thing that matters” kind of way, but in a way that says “you’re worth it.” When I’m confident about myself I can do more, I can be more, and I can accomplish more. I’m not looking for perfection, but I have been making tweaks here and there in my life. What is important is that I am starting to take my physical/emotional/relational state seriously. I will be posting my experiences, discoveries, trials and mistakes here and it is my hope that ultimately, we can learn from each other.

My user name never really had a meaning, but it means something to me now. I think Weezer put it best when they wrote, “Pork and Beans,”

I don’t care… I’mma do the things that I wanna do I ain’t got a thing to prove to you I’ll eat my candy with the pork and beans Excuse my manners if I make a scene I ain’t gonna wear the clothes that you like I’m fine and dandy with the me inside One look in the mirror and I’m tickled pink I don’t give a hoot about what you think

Thank you,

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Choosing some new shoes

Hey, it’s been awhile. I reopened Men’s Lifestyle on my Discord and decided to create some new content. In this highlight from my live stream, I discuss my choice in foot ware including my current shoes, and making a choice between a new pair!

Also, here’s a recent question from my Discord:

What would you suggest to help me get into a habit of grooming my hair, shaving my face and trying to keep a regime of looking after myself?

I have to remind myself that I’m worth the effort. It’s easy to give up, not make time, make other things a priority. Wake up 5 minutes earlier to get it done. There are habit apps (habit bull) or having a checklist is that sort of thing motivates you.

Twitch Video

A Message (Mental Health Awareness)

Jack you are really a great role model for those of us that surround you. I find it very empowering that no matter the age or situation it is always okay to ask for help. Sharing your progress and difficulties makes it easier for those that may not be ready for the commitment of seeking professional guidance.

My question to you in regards to this situation, do you think it helps more to discuss with someone who is a professional/someone who doesn’t know you outside of your discussions or do you think opening up to a close friend/relative/spouse is more cathartic?

For me it was a multi-step process and has been life changing each step of the way. I think it would be helpful to describe what that was like, and then everyone can see where they are in relation to where I have been. Everyone will start wherever they are and take the paths that work for them, so I hope this is seen as more of a guideline.

The first step for me was sharing with friends in my stream community. This was a huge step for me because it was the first time I ever admitted to feeling the way I did (and at that time, this was a difficult thing for me to describe). Since they don’t know me or anyone in my life outside of Discord, this made it safer for me to share. They listened, supported, and pushed me to seek other outlets for help. I believe these connections are still important today.

I decided that seeking professional help was necessary for me, because I had trouble even explaining what it was I was feeling. It is clear to me now that that being comfortable with the person and establishing why you are there in the first place is important (even if the exact reason why you are there is unclear at first).

My therapist made it extremely clear that the things I shared were confidential, and that they were simply information. Our sessions are conversations and we look at the experiences and feelings in my life, not to judge them as good or bad, but as a way to explore my own feelings. By doing this, I can confront the way I feel, and develop strategies for building deeper and more meaningful relationships in my life.

These therapy sessions helped build the confidence in me to share with the friends I have made in my life. There is a lot of fear, and anxiety, but once I get past that (which is something I have to do daily), then I find something much greater than what I had before. Without them, I wouldn’t even really know how to start to open up. I would probably lose confidence and go back into myself.

Additionally, being seen as a role model (and a great one), is an extremely important statement to me because though we shouldn’t base our value on how others’ think of us, it gives me value. It shows that my impact on those around me is a positive one and therefore, worth fighting for. Not just for progress within myself, but in those around me.

Trauma throughout my life has led me to build a labyrinth of emotional strategies that do not work as an adult. Everyone’s reasons, causes, supports, and directions will be different. I think there is something we all share though. That no matter the history or experience, it’s not easy for everyone and when we realize that our similarities far outnumber our differences, we can build something better together.

…not exercise

Many people dread it, but the thing is, after my workout is done, the feeling of accomplishment is huge. Endorphins are going. My energy actually goes up when I start each morning with exercise. I needed to do it everyday to see change. There are no shortcuts. There is no easy way out. It takes burning calories and burning calories takes hard work.

I hear all the time about how healthy I eat and I still gained over 15 lbs last year because I hardly moved and when I went out to eat, I ate a lot. Now, I am back to my high school weight and it took a couple months of working out every day. What I started doing was exercising first thing in the morning and by exercise, I mean I walked for forty-five minutes.

I started with walking.

Exercise is very important to jump starting my day. I recommend waking up 20-30 minutes early drinking a glass of water, jog/walk/run and drink another glass when you finish. I don’t think it matters how much you move, as long as you’re always adding more. When I started walking each morning, I added another walk at night. Then I added in a one mile jog once a week. Then a two mile jog as well. Then a three mile jog as well. All of these added up.

I try to workout in other ways too. Any amount of free time is potential for work out time.

Throughout the day I am always walking. If your job doesn’t allow this, walk as much as you can. I park far away from the store to walk further. I don’t take shortcuts. I try to stand instead of sit when possible. If I’m standing in a long line, I do calf raises.

One thing that helps me get in the habit is using an app. I use Google because it helps set movement/step goals and if you hit them repeatedly, it asks you to raise them. There is a step goal, movement goal, and “heart point” goal.  I try to hit at least one goal every day.

Zombie Run is a fun one, because it plays an “interactive” story where you are a runner for a human camp. The story plays out in audio form, and sometimes, zombies get near and you have to increase your speed to keep them away (not sure what happens if you fail, or even if it is possible).

For upper body, I was trying to do a workout every other day resistance bands. Same with abs. I would also always increase! If I was able to do ten pushups one day, I did that for a week then did twelve every day the next week. Since then, I have started doing Jiu-jitsu two to three times a week so that has replaced my upper body workout.

What it comes down to, is that you are worth the effort. Whatever your goal is. Whatever you are able to do. You just have to do it. Getting motivated is probably the hardest part, so the only way to keep it going is to do it every day, no excuses.

There’s so many programs, workouts, videos and routines that it is mind boggling. Just choose something and run with it. Change it. But never stop.

Let’s try to hold each other accountable.

What exercise questions do you have?
Could I go into more detail in some of these areas?

Accessories: How I Started

When it comes to accessories, I only recently started considering the accessories I wear as well as their color or design. Like the rest of my style, I am working on using neutral colors (and green) in order to build an interchangeable wardrobe. There are plenty of different kinds of accessories, so I am going to focus on the few that I have been working on myself:

  • Sunglasses
  • Belts
  • Watches

Each of these items can compliment you and your style; it’s just a matter of figuring out how. Since we all have our own styles, I am going to explain what I have gotten so far, and the ideas behind them. I would also love to hear about what you wear, and what questions you have. You can comment directly on this blog, or check my links page for my various social media.

Shades

I am going to start with shades because I only have one pair right now, tortoise Rayban Wayfarers. The main reason I wear sunglasses is because I can’t stand driving without them. My goal is to ultimately have a brown, black, grey pair as well as a pair for running. This should fit just about any outfit and situation that I could need.

I have had a rough history with sunglasses. Often, I would spend anywhere from $10-$20 on a pair from a random store and I would lose, crush or drop them. This actually ends up being pretty costly. Eventually, I bought a pair and actually held onto them for more than a couple months. I decided it was time to up my shades game and so I picked up some Raybans. This forced me to think carefully and take care of my shades and they’ve been going for quite awhile now.

Some of the styles that are generally considered to be great are warefarers, aviators, and clubmasters. You don’t have to get Raybans, and I probably won’t buy another pair of them myself, but these basic styles are copied by just about every brand. What I dislike most about Raybans themselves, is the fact that their logo is on every angle and surface. I would prefer a more minimalist look.

Belts

What else will hold up your pants? The general rule is that if your pants have belt loops, there should be a belt. I’ve worn quite a few belts in my life, but I have switched to Anson a few months ago. I ordered three belts (black and brown leather as well as black canvas, pictured), and two belt buckles (black and gun metal, pictured). With Anson, you cut the belt to length yourself (with a large pair of scissors), there are no holes, and the belt buckles are interchangable.

I never see myself going back to any other style of belt. How I match my belt is with my shoes, since they are all leather. Black with black and brown with brown. When I wear my casual shoes, I switch it up with my black canvas belt. I hope to have a green one in the future to match the green highlight color I am going for with my overall style.

Watches

There are many kinds of watches, styles, and price points. There’s so much information out there, it is actually mind boggling. I personally recommend that you figure out what do you want in a watch.

  • Smart watch / Sport watch
  • Fashion watches
  • Functional
  • And so on…

Once again, leathers should match. I also prefer a leather strap, because it is adjustable, and feels more comfortable to me. There’s something about a watch that believe looks clean, and makes me look more put together. It’s also nice to be able to check the time, without looking at my phone which often leads me to reading notifications and getting lost on social media.

I say pick out whatever style fits you, and spend as much as you are willing to spend on them. Fashion watches are often expensive, but don’t have the same features as the more trusted brands. You have movements from Switzerland and Japan. Glass or sapphire watch faces. Various qualities of leather. I recommend checking out YouTube for some tips.

If you want some tips on the basic styles, here is a video from a YouTuber I enjoy watching called RMRS (Real Men Real Style). From there, you could search for “honest” reviews or learn more about what makes a high quality watch, high quality.

The Break Down

Make accessories work for you. Stick within your budget and maybe learn the basics first. What would be the most functional while also fitting your style? Start with something relatively cheap, then try on something expensive so you can see and feel the difference. You may not realize how much that difference is until you hold it in your hand first.

What it all comes down to is putting effort into your style, however much effort you are able to give.

Masters of Time (Management)

We all struggle with time management and since there are so many different life situations and goals, I think it would be best to break it down into basic ideas and tips so that they can apply to anyone. This means that I may not have an exact answer, but hopefully through exploring these ideas, and through some tools that I will share, you can discover what “time management” really means to you.

When it comes to managing time the first thing you must consider is your priorities. I manage my priorities in three ways:

  • Passion Planner: laying out long-term (3 months, 1 year, lifetime, and so on) goals and where I want to be in my life.
  • Power List: 5 things that I need to accomplish in order to reach those goals, every day.
  • Trello: for organizing various tasks that I need to do daily in order to make sure I get the basics done including time for work, errands and chores.

I am going to break down how each of these tools can help you, through how I use it, and then you can experiment with them, something similar or just the concept yourself.

Passion Planner

This is a monthly calendar (that can start the week on Monday, YES!) with an area to brainstorm your life goals and other built in tools to monitor them. The brainstorm includes directions for how to break down your goals into actionable steps that have their own due-dates. My year-long goal is to start my own business, but first I have to learn how to start one. This led me to learning a lot about business and now I have due dates for many of those tasks.

Each day has a “focus” that I make sure to use in order to accomplish my goals. At the end of the month are various reflection questions. I haven’t actually finished a full month with the planner yet, so I am excited to share more on this in the future.

If you can decide what really matters to you, what you want to accomplish, and what you have to do in order to succeed, you will be one step closer to managing your time properly.

Power List

A power list is simple. It is a list of five things you NEED to do every day in order to make progress on your goals. I write these EVERY morning when I wake up to show me what I need to accomplish. Everyday, if I accomplish everything on the list I get a Win. If I don’t accomplish everything it’s a Loss.  If I feel like one thing on the list has become a “habit” or I no longer need to focus on it, I will take it off the list and add a new one.

At the end of the week, if I have more wins than losses then I won that week. If I have more weeks with wins than losses then I won that month, and so on. My list currently includes:

  • #75hard – my mental toughness challenge.
  • Clean the Kitchen (a very important chore that needs to be done daily).
  • Learn Something (this applies to the podcasts I listen to every day).
  • Connection (this includes a phone call or conversation with someone I care about).
  • Business (this includes anything towards the progress of my business. I recently opened up a PO BOX to send and receive mail).

Your Power List can be anything you want it to be, but if the list is too easy or doesn’t help you towards your goal, then just change it!

Trello

Trello is a vertical “card” organization system. I use due dates, colors and checklists in order to make sure I complete the simple daily tasks I need to complete each day. I use it to organize a lot of things actually, including to-do lists for home, work, errands and even streaming. Each column is labeled with a due date and I move things along due dates as they get closer. When I finish, I move the card to “done,” and that feels pretty good.

This daily organization system has been the first one that has really stuck with me. I’ve tried Google Keep, OneNote and other services, and I believe you can find which one works for you as well. You can’t give-up until it becomes a “habit,” however, and there are apps for that as well including Habitbull, which is something I used before Trello.

Break Down

What really inspired to me to try these things is hearing other people use it. I tried not to get into too many details so that this post wouldn’t go on too long. If any of this sounds interesting to you, please message me and let me know what questions you have. I would love to brainstorm and come up with ideas to help you out.

Thanks for reading and if you enjoyed this, definitely check out everything Spice Town has to offer.

My Success comes from my Struggle

I want to write another personal blog post about myself. For one reason, to inspire others through my experience and to build connection with you all. Even if you haven’t been through the same thing, you may find some new connection that wasn’t there before and so I am going to explain some personal things and I hope by doing so, your own view will be expanded in some way.

Before I tell my own story, I want to talk about success. When it comes to success, I think what is most important to remember is that you can’t be a success without trying. On the other side sits failure. Failure is the opposite of success, and so I describe it as not trying. No matter how many times you do not succeed, I don’t see you (or myself) as a failure, but as someone who has room to grow. Only when you stop trying, do you become a failure.

As I explained in a previous blog post, I have spent nearly my entire life refusing myself the ability to feel many different emotions in order to have control and to maintain a positive demeanor. This worked for many years. I had many wonderful relationships and family members in my life and I have the same friends I have had since I was five years old.

When it comes to why I would ignore many of my emotions, this is because while I have had success, I have also had many struggles. A lot of this developed from my childhood. I never knew who my father was growing up and my mom divorced three times. This was part of the reason I learned to ignore negative feelings.

What’s even more surprising though, is that I have recently reconnected with my father on 23 and Me. This is a process we are still working through and creates another struggle for me, but which can also lead to another success.

Growing up, I was in track and field and I excelled at a state level. This was an amazingly positive experience for me and built up a feeling of competition, to always strive to be the best. This would continue into my adult life with work and other activities as well. From my performance in track and field, I even received a letter from Yale requesting that I apply there.

Because of my grades, and my family’s lack of money, I ignored the letter and was actually more angry about it than anything else, because I believed I had no chance of getting in. My parents never went to college, and they didn’t motivate me one way or the other. Instead of taking advantage of this skill that I had, I essentially gave-up on those opportunities because I didn’t believe in myself.

Even so, I got into a junior college, but then my parents moved out of state. I continued my college career and with the help of other family, I was able to earn my bachelor’s degree. I never let this goal out of my sight and worked hard to achieve this. After college, the struggles continued, as it took me four years to find a full time job. At this point, I refused to give up or stop looking for the job I had gotten my degree for. At this point, I had reverted back to my track and field days and started to fight for what I wanted.

My difficulties arose again, some time later, with feelings of depression and isolation. This wasn’t someone else’s fault but my own and the skills I had used to adapt growing up. While I had survived my childhood with these strategies, they just didn’t help me develop proper relationships with others. Through Twitch, and my community, I slowly began to learn why I was doing all of this.

For the connection.

It was only through my online community that I began to realize that the many traumas in my life were not something to ignore, but to think about, share and express in a way that allowed me to face them. I began therapy and I am essentially relearning how to express these thoughts and feelings. It’s another huge struggle and one that I feel rewarded with frequently.

There have been numerous people who have commented, shared and DM’d me on various media in order to share their compliments, words of encouragement, their own stories and how they are inspired by me. When I read these messages, I realize why I am doing what I do.

I want to continue to expand in order to change, and be changed by as many people as possible.

Being Positive on Twitch: “The Grind”

So why is using a simple word like “grind” worth all of this explanation? It’s the negativity that can be associated with the word. Not everyone will see it as positive and I’d much rather have my entire community in an agreed understanding than leave some wondering or assuming that I’m not genuinely enjoying what I do if I say I’m “grinding”.

ViceVersus

Grinding is tough. It’s difficult. IT can be painful.

The results. Are. Worth it.

If it was easy, everyone would do it, but it’s not, so people give up.

I enjoy the grind. When things get tough, I get tougher. I make mistakes. I get game overs, and I start again.

To me, if I’m not grinding, I’m not succeeding. That doesn’t mean I can’t take breaks. That doesn’t mean I can’t take it easy sometimes. What it means is that I won’t stop fighting to improve myself.

I had a real discussion with someone about the word “grind” on Twitter. We didn’t debate. We didn’t attack each other. We shared our ideas and we learned from them.

That’s how people grow. Not from others agreeing with them all the time. It takes challenges to grow. We don’t need enemies. We don’t need to attack people Online. We need honest individuals to speak honestly.

I enjoy competition. I want others to succeed. I want to be challenged because that is what pushes me to succeed. When I see someone succeed at something, I know it could be possible for me. I don’t have to do it their way either. As long as I have real passion and real drive, I can succeed on my own terms.

Another Perspective
Vice Versus

I definitely see where you’re coming from and have no issue with anyone using the word grind, with an exception; if you use the word in a positive way. The way you are using it is very positive and I love it. To you, the word means to put in hard work, day after day, to hit your goals. But to others it may not mean the same thing.

To me, or at least until we started this conversation, carried a negative vibe. I have primarily used the word to describe dreary, dull, never ending work, (the dictionary definition of the word).

I like to think of it from the viewer’s perspective and how they may take that word. If a viewer that thinks the word is negative and sees you saying “I’m grinding on twitch”, they could get a wrong impression, and that wrong impression could be that you may not be having fun, streaming is dull, or that you might be in it just for the numbers (followers, viewers, subs, etc.). This may leave that person with a bad taste in their mouth.

The negative thoughts, actions, and words you use can directly affect your entire viewership and community and bring everyone’s mood crashing down. Negativity is a drain and I don’t want that in my life when it is avoidable. This is the core reason I want to make sure that what I say and what I promote is positive from all angles.

So why is using a simple word like “grind” worth all of this explanation? It’s the negativity that can be associated with the word. Not everyone will see it as positive and I’d much rather have my entire community in an agreed understanding than leave some wondering or assuming that I’m not genuinely enjoying what I do if I say I’m “grinding.”

Join the discussion in the comments or check out our social media links.

Why Stream?

I’m going to be completely honest, and possibly harsh, but I think this is something that everyone needs to hear and I believe absolutely every word.

DISCLAIMER: I am not partnered, but I do have over 600 hours streamed and have been focused on building my community since November 2017. I have been jealous, envious, angry, sad and every other emotion when it comes to my successes and failures on Twitch. It has taken me years to get to the point where I am now, and I am extremely excited for the future.

We (as small streamers) could post right now that we’re giving away a million dollars, and our viewer numbers won’t change. It’s 0? It will stay 0. 10? It will stay 10. Because in the big scheme of things, no one will see that message (on Twitch/Twitter etc.)

In the very beginning, what matters most is consistency. Sticking to the stream schedule. Then we work on the content/quality of your stream. Then we make every single person who watches feel like they belong to a brand new community.

There are no shortcuts. A giveaway isn’t going to build connection. An overlay isn’t going to build a connection. None of that works to “get new viewers” they are simply fluff and bonuses for those who are generous enough to support us..

REAL EXAMPLE: I was giving away 5 free games on Friday night (Fridays are generally my most popular streams). I wore an orange jumpsuit. Ate bean boozled. I created a “prison cell” and hid “games” in it and had viewers pick where to look to get the game. How many people actually showed up to get games?

3 (I had a few more viewers who showed up, but didn’t participate)

You know what though? I wasn’t doing it to get more viewers. I was doing it because it was fun as HELL. We, as streamers, need to remember why people watch us. Because they feel connected. Sure, there are other reasons/ways to stream. I, however, am not interested in anything else.

If someone is at my stream JUST for a giveaway, I don’t really need them there, because they will take the money/game etc and leave, but honestly I don’t really care if they do that because for what I do I don’t expect anything in return.

So what now?

1. No tricks. Just stream. Make every single person feel like they could be your closest friend one day.

2. Build real relationships with viewers/streamers, don’t just support them because you expect they will support you back (they probably won’t, but we should still support them).

3. Do what is fun for you.

4. Don’t expect anything. We are owed nothing. But we are worthy of so much more, if we’re willing to make it happen.

Please comment or DM me on any of my linked social platforms and I would love to continue to discuss any and all ideas and concepts related to streaming.

She Flew that Day

I enjoyed the office work. The building and all those around it were numbered. 100. 200. 300. 400. 500. 600. 700 and 800. I liked that. Each floor in each building had a designated purpose. Each employee a designated position. I was given tasks like by priority: high priority, today, this week, next week and future. When I completed a task, I moved it to “done” then moved on to the other. I liked this.

“C’mon, you don’t actually enjoy this boring stuff, do you?”

Often though, I was reminded of Cena. She was spontaneous. The chaos she brought with her always had a way of roping me. If we threw rocks at an abandoned building I would count each one as it flew and be okay with that act of rebelliousness. When she convinced me to ditch school one day, I calculated the time lost in each class (by the minute), and made-up for that time by completing worksheets and problems I found online at home that weekend.

“No one will even realize that we were gone, at least, they won’t care anyway.”

It seemed like every time I saw her she had her hair colored differently, the locks hanging down to encapsulate her sharp, pointed face. There was nothing about her that didn’t feel like a cry for attention, and though it could feel that at first that you had to handle her like a sharp knife, she was always the one in charge of the situation. Her confidence, that’s what I was drawn to the most. The only thing I was truly confident in was my ability to stay organized.

“You believe in me don’t you? You can’t go wrong with your best pal, can you?

The marble top of my office windowsill reflected the sky if you looked at it at the right angle. I could see the clouds reflecting off it now. It looked like the sky was in my office. The clouds, hovering in the room with me. Cena loved clouds. I only liked the ones that repeated the same shape over and over again. She would threaten to fly up there, to mess them up, and I told her that she couldn’t fly.

“I’ll fly all the way up there myself. I’ll make them beautiful.”

That reminded me of the day we broke into an office building. Another one in town, not the one I work in now. We were young then. She grabbed my hand and once again threatened to destroy the organized shapes I so admired. The elevators had codes on them so we took the stairs to not get caught. I don’t know how we did it. I counted each step to keep my mind occupied. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. Then each floor as we passed them. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. It calmed me. Even as my legs screamed from all the climbing I could keep going because of my counting, and because Cena would never give up.

“We can’t stop until we get to the sky. If we stop, we’ll fall down.”

Cena never gave up on anything. When we arrived at the roof, out of breath, our hands slick from sweat, we couldn’t see the clouds anymore.

“We’re above the clouds now. Now I can fly.”

I kept protesting but she wasn’t listening to me, she never did. There should have been some kind of lock on the door. There should have been something to stop her from climbing onto the ledge, but nothing could stop Cena. I followed her and I swear I didn’t see her jump.

She flew.

With crimsons wings outstretched she touched the sky. She reached the clouds and rested on their cold grey surface. The people below, too shocked to move. Their faces, frozen in surprise and fear. The fear that they could never accomplish what she did. Cena’s red feathers blotting their faces.

She flew that day. I won’t ever forget it.